Me
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms...

Why didn't the girl get back on the swing?
She had no legs...

Knock Knock... Who's there?
Not that little girl!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul Taplin
Have you heard about the bloke who went to a sea food disco?
He pulled a muscle!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul Brince
World strawberry picking competition, a woman with no legs won...
Jammy cunt!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Ayling
An inflatable kid walks into his inflatable school with a pin.
The head teacher summons him to the office and says...
"you have let your self down, you let your friends down and you have let
the whole school down!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me 2nd Time
I brought a microwave bed the other day...
I got an 8 hours sleep in 4 minutes!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me Third Time
Two pieces of sick walking down a road when they start to approach a town. Suddenly one piece starts crying. The other piece of sick turns
round and says "what's wrong with you?
"He Replies "I cant help it I was brought up round here!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me Fourth Time
Why did the fly fall of the toilet seat?
He got pissed off!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steve
Did you hear about the woman who didn't know what to wear to a
fancy dress?
She pulled her piss flaps over her head and went as a sugar puff!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Ayling
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns round to the other and says...
"How do you drive this thing!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me Again
Guy walks into a bar and finds there are three pieces of meat nailed
to the wall. He says to the bar man what's going on then?
Barman reply's "well if you can pull all three pieces down in one go,
everyone in the bar has to buy you a drink but if you fail to do so you
have to buy everyone a drink."
The guy says, I ain' t doing that, the steaks are to high!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes It's Me Yet Again!
What does the queen mother have written on her pants?
E R!!!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm On A Roll Or Is It A Bun?
Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
It was dead!

Why did the second monkey fall out the tree?
It was holding onto the first one!

Why did the third monkey fall out the tree?
It was lonely!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Ayling
Piece of string walks in a bar. Barman turns round and says...
frayed i can't serve you!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bear walks into a bar, and says to the barman can I have a pint and
.........................................................................a packet of crisps.
The barman says why the long paws!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can't Stop Me Now!
Man walks into a bar and says can I have a packet of plain crisps please...
Barman says we only have helicopter left!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm On Fire!
What's the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a plus side!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know I'm Good!
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts your in for one hell of a blow job!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pure Brilliance From Me
Did you hear what happened to the boy who put milk in his musely?
He got dragged under by a current!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Somebody Stop Me
Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they are ugly and they smell!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steve
Why do morris dancers wear bells?
So the blind can hate them as well!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man I Need To Be A Comedian!
Did you hear about the two guys who nicked a calendar?
They got six months each!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
B-E-A-UTIFUL!
Jesus walks into a hotel and throws a load of nails down.
Lady at reception says "what's that for?
"Jesus replies "I want to be put up for the night!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris Sibley
Did you hear about the gay magician?
He Vanished with a pouf!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me...AGAIN!
Guy goes to the doctors as he has swallowed a daffodil bulb?
Doctor tells him...
"Don't worry, we will have to keep you in for a while, But you should
be out by the spring"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
And Again...
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the road and turned into a field!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh Just One More
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
Sister matic!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ha Ha Ha As If!
What has two legs and fly's?
A pair of trousers!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Terri Mason
3 nuns in a convent when a nude ghost appears, he waves his manhood
at them and says "Hocus Pocus!" one nun replies...
"never mind the hocus, just fucking pocus!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
OH GOD Terri!
Two eggs boiling in a saucepan, 1 female 1 male.
She turns to him and says "look i've got a crack" he replies...
"no point telling me, i'm not fucking hard yet!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've Saved The Best Until Last...
Two prawns in the sea swimming around, one's called Christian and one's
called John. One day John turns to Christian and say's "You know what I'm
sick of being a prawn, I wish I were a Shark!" and just like that POOF John
was a shark. Moments later Christian says "I want to be a shark too" and
POOF Christian was a shark. So off they went into the depths of the ocean
as sharks...
Some months later Christian turns to John and says "I miss my prawn friends
I wish I were a prawn again" and just like that POOF Christian was once again
a prawn. John on the other hand decided that being a shark was for him and
swam on.
A matter of months later there was a knock on Christians door at the bottom
of the ocean, "Who is it?" Christian shouted out. It's me your friend John!
Christian says "I'm not answering the door to you, your a bleeding shark you
will eat me!"
John replies "It's ok I'm a prawn again Christian!"